JANUARY 21, 2022
DON’T ARGUE
In our earthly quest to bring value to our own existence and to be “Right” in everything we say or do, I truly believe there is no such thing as winning an argument. Somebody is going to win and somebody is going to lose which, of course, denies the potential for building unity. Something we see so much of today in our politics and sadly, among families and associates as well. Why….you ask? Because the minute you view any kind of disagreement, debate, or difference of opinion in terms of winning or losing…..you’ve already lost. “You may have won the battle but you haven’t won the war.” You may have won the argument and prevailed in ensuring that your point of view came out on top, but at the same time, you unwittingly damaged the relationship….hence, you really lost overall. This may apply among friends, family, your partners, and/or work colleagues. In other words, pretty much most personal or professional contexts. Where in YOUR world have you won or lost an argument? Was it worth the damage done to the relationship? What did you do or what are you going to do about it?
Yours truly has been in the relationship building business my entire life. I have enjoyed spirited debate and sharing my opinion with others, where I find myself eating my own words by damaging a relationship. Many are unintentional, but a few have been ego and pride driven. Fighting for what I thought at the time was “my” truth. Bob Goff teaches us to “Love Everybody Always” (Thanks Thea). To me, the relationship should always come first before trying to make sure your idea or point of view comes out on top, even if you don’t like the other person, care what they think of you, or view that relationship as important.
So, how do you approach a situation if it’s not about winning? This requires both a change in attitude and a change in approach. It is NOT about kissing ass, choosing sides, or winning others over to your point of view. But it does mean shifting your attitude towards creating an outcome that works for both parties in a WIN/WIN outcome. We have talked about Denis Waitley’s book “The Double Win” which reminds us of letting go of “being right” or “Winning” along with being open by listening to (and hearing) the other person’s point of view. Both of you hold on to everything you know to be true and believe, and at the same time remain engaged and open to influence. (Or NOT) The conversation then may become a creative exploration searching for new meaning with common ground and mutually beneficial outcomes.
Most of us rarely pay attention to others and their opinions because we are too busy thinking about our own agendas and objectives along with protecting our turf and precious egos. If you want to win an argument, you may want to start by staying calm and friendly, appeal to values not affiliations, reframe the issue, and ask “HOW” rather than “WHY?” Finally, by following Proverbs 26:4-5: “Do not answer a fool according to his/her own folly, lest you also be like him/her.” Most people have absolutely no need or respect for your point of view, knowledge or wisdom. That may take a lifetime to earn. Abe Lincoln said it best; “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt.” This cowboy needs to practice a little more discernment in getting into arguments that are not important. That means I need to be more intentional with the priorities in my life, not worry about what other people think or say about me, and deal with those things that are in my control.
Dale Carnegie reminds us in his book on “How to Win Friends and Influence People” that you should avoid arguments or criticism. In his words; “don’t kick over the beehive.” If you do, you have made the other person feel inferior; you have hurt his/her pride; he/she will resent your triumph; and finally “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.” Wise words if you are looking for an argument.
Elevator Guy
Quote for the Day: “The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you have!” Anonymous